greeting card

happy new year. and all that jazz. i need the money you owe me as soon as you can get it. times are tough all over. the winter is cold. sneeze. miss you and hope that you are well. eating good fruits and vegetables. nourishing. i will see you in the next life.

Drop

Driving is always a harrowing experience. That is why I prefer public transportation. It also affords me time to read books. I have just finished a saucy tale about a stolen bag of money and a fellow determined to get it back.

I was engaged in such reading when a fellow passenger posited a question to me. I don't know why. I didn't give him the impression I wished to engage in verbal intercourse.

Yet he persisted, yabbering on and on about his injured knee, his addict son, his lack of funds, the weather, the young lady seated near the driver, politics and what's playing at the cinema.

Despite his infringement on my right to silence, I'm the one cited by officers for shoving a golf ball into his mouth. What a world! O tempora! O mores!

As always, excuse the lenthy space of time since my last post. I've been on the lam. Apparently it is unadvisable to play tricks on the frightful goblins that knock on one's door during the Halloween holiday.

Augury

Hope everyone enjoyed the summer. By way of summary:

July — Putting bits of diamond dust in the coffee mug of my co-worker.

August — Getting my co-worker's position as he takes an extended medical leave due to an unknown, mysterious illness.

If there's anything prison taught me, it's to bide my time.

Entertainment

Excuse the silence. Been on holiday. Stretching my legs in preparation for another year at Hogwarts.

My employer disapproves of my vacationing. Doesn't like it when the drones leave the hive.

In retaliation of my relaxation, he's given me a papercut on that fair bit of flesh in between one's lips. And wouldn't you know it, we had salty potato chips at lunch. Burns.

But I have plans to turn the tables.

Grave

Digging in my back yard the past several yesterdays. How I loathe manual labour. But it is nice to have sunshine touching the skin and fresh air filling the lungs.

The work isn't so arduous, but I don't know quite what to think about the pile of human bones I've found near the rose bushes. Trouble is, I don't recall if I put them there or if it was the work of the previous tenents. That would be an awkward phone call.

Come to think of it, it may be the previous tenents. I'll have to check the books.

Time

My, my. Days fold and turn to waste quickly.

I have been in the hospital for what seems like forever. The doctors found six whole diamonds lodged in my digestive tract.

The lady of the house sure knows how to get my attention.

Decisions

Oh dear. I've a peanut fragment stuck in my nasal cavity. I don't know whether I should snort or blow.

Maybe I'll go to the kitchen, get a knife from the drawer, and cut it out.

I hope it being in my nose hasn't tarnished its flavor.

Shopped

A friend stopped by unannounced to-day, a great deal of blood spilling from his abdomen. He's a fine fellow and I would have liked to offer him a towel to stop the flow, but I had just done the laundry and I really can't stand to do it more than once a week. Besides, the towels were a wedding gift from my aunt.

The funeral will be Friday for my friend. Lord knows I'll miss his jibes.

Refuse

when i was younger and less afraid.
i bow my head and duck out the door.
eyes skirting along broken pavement.
endless array of humanity. endless hooray of depravity.

they are bigger than we think. nothing matters.

Atomic

what to do when there's nothing left: a new start.
please sign here and deposit credit here.
deeply humbled and grateful.

turn over a new leaf.

your words surprised me and left me with a heavy heart: i thought you didn't care.
loyalism and compromise.
seeming and unseemly.
this is why i hate you.
grinning and squeaking like a politician.

fuck the clutter of the past and everyone in it.

Rain

A mute fellow left a pamplet for me on the train to-day. I had a nice time reading it. It taught me a lot about mute people. I smiled at him until I realized he wanted payment for the pamphlet. He was some sort of panhandler. I had cash on me but didn't feel like parting with it. The mute didn't seem too pleased when all I left for him was a knife sticking out of his thigh.

It rained some to-day.

elle

it looks like the sun is out
akin to shoppers and Christmas
she says kind words
when i wish she'd fuck off and die.

sharp and neat.
chimes.
nighttime.
all right.

ptik

golly yes. anything to get elected. human origins and irresponsibility.
tears that never dry. tortured. abused. collapsing. i promise. no death certificate. let me out of this life.
a puppet that begins to notice its strings. outside of my wyndow two men in suits are arguing about our future. weeping in the stands.
this is a great day. so i've been told.

Hoppipolla

I know all you quidnuncs are anxious and I am eager to please. Warm. Open.
Last night was a hot one. I thought I was sweating. My skin all wet and slippery.
Only this morning did I find out it was blood.
The question is - whose blood? I only have one wound and it is in my head. Safely stowed within my skull. This will take all of my thinking power to suss out.

Leftovers for lunch.

Beauty

My neighbor must be in a good mood. He is singing loudly and maybe even skipping, judging by the sound of shoe and asphalt and jeans rubbing together. I don't like it. I have earplugs in but they are not enough. I wonder if I have a drill bit small enough to fit into my ear canal. I'm all for permanent solutions to continuing problems.

Hammer

I am having the darndest time getting this bone back into my leg. (I took a nasty spill). It is so slippery. Anyone have a hammer I can borrow?

Water

Everyone was waiting and yet I still did not want to enter the chapel. I heard general whispering as I stood barefoot in the foyer. The only way I would be moved is forcibly.
This suited my father fine. His hand wrapped itself tightly around mine and soon my feet couldn’t help but follow his footsteps. My head dropped and my eyes searched vainly for a pattern in the coarse orange carpet of the chapel. An organ played a hymn I recognized but whose title I couldn’t remember.
“What took so long?” My mother’s voice barely a whisper.
“He’s nervous.”
I was nervous. And cold and embarrassed. My feet looked more purple than white by the time I reached the front pew. The bishop took the pulpit with a smile and cleared his throat.
He spoke about Jesus and John the Baptist and Jordan and a perfect example of obedience. A new life lay before me. I would die with Jesus and rise again as he had done after three days in the ground. This was a kind of resurrection. The old me dying and the new me rising. Disciple. Discipline. Accountability. I would come into my own.
The baptismal waters greeted me warmly and wrapped my white pants tightly against my thin calves. The suction felt comforting. Rows of family sat before me, grinning. My mother dabbed a handkerchief into the corner of her dry mascara. My uncle and grandpa seated next to the font — first hand witnesses to the event. God and His angels will be present, the bishop had said in his office. They will witness you be cleansed.
Dad gripped my bony wrist in his left hand and took his right arm up into the air, just like we had practiced. I looked up at his face, looking at his dry, smooth skin. A bit of rough stubble dotted his chin. He did not return my gaze.
The memorized prayer was said. I gripped my nose tightly and went under. My dad’s force on my chest came to quickly; I lost my footing and slid on the smooth tile floor. My knees rose above the water. I broke the surface spitting and coughing and wiping the water from my eyes. My uncle and grandpa shook their heads. It would have to be repeated.
Submersion. Bishop was old and his voice cracked often. “You have to be totally committed. We don’t just baptize a toe, that wouldn’t do at all. Just your toe would have to be faithful. We put the whole body under that special water because it takes the whole body to serve God. It’s about commitment.”
I felt my dad’s clench once again. He leaned down and spoke: “Bend your knees.” Arm to the square. Prayer.
I focused on my body. I hoped I would stay under. I steadied my feet. The waves of the font sloshed against me. Amen. My eyes closed and knees bent. I was under.

“How do you feel,” my dad asked while we changed our clothes.
“Fine.”
“Different?”
“No.”
I turned away from him and wrapped myself in my towel.
I was not yet clean. The cleansing would come later when I would receive the Holy Ghost. Then the mistakes I had previously done would be burned away through the power of the atonement. It would be done in church the following Sunday. I would be a member.

The blue balloon popped in my hand before I had a chance to throw it. Water covered my face and shirt. Not that it mattered – I was already soaked to the bone – but it would have been fun to have it pop on Wendy. She always shrieked when hit with water.

Task

I have recently made an attempt to remove all of the veins in my body. It has not gone well and my wife is going to kill me when she sees the carpet.

Benvenuti

Nothing interesting to-day. I am new to the world of Web logging, having decided recently I did not want to miss out on the fun. My fingers are still clammy from having been in dishwater for the past half hour, so you'll excuse the brevity and uselessness of this post.